Snow on the ground

Blackbird

blackbird singing in the dead of night
take these broken wings and learn to fly
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to arive

blackbird singing in the dead of night
take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

blackbird fly
blackbird fly
into the dark of the lonely night

just anticipating this moment
we're only waiting
just anticipating you and me

--beatles as done by kenny rankin


There is a chill in the air, and I can't seem to get warm.

This weekend was not the weekend I imagined. On the train home I tried to sleep, to silence my mind from the monotonous and droning question that persisted to upset me. "Who are you anyway?"

I havent really been able to get comfortable all weekend. Pretty much like how I felt on the train. I feel like there is only one person who I can really tell my feelings to, who I will actually let in to the ugliness about myself that I don't know how to fix, but think I want to. I would have liked to have let him in, because he gave me such good advice, but we didn't really get the chance to talk the way I wanted.

I had to start a new blog because the other one was haunted and a complete failure. Now I am beginning to realize that I need a place to just bleed. I don't want to be overly dramatic, although I clearly am doing just that.

I've made some big mistakes. And I feel pressure. I feel like there is pressure to get married, to settle my life around a certain person, and to do something real. But at the same time I don't want to be married- I just want to be happy with being me.

I talked to my mom today, and matt, and adam on the phone, and christina and sean online. It was good to hear their voices/ talk to them. They've all been really good to me. I've been listening to a lot of kenny rankin and jorma kaukonen.

I feel like someone has pulled my shoulders apart and exposed my insides to the cold.

blackbird.