Depending on the color of the Leaves

I'm through with love
I'll never fall again
Said adieu to love
Don't ever call again

Cuz I must have you or no one
and so I'm through with love

I've locked my heart
I'll keep my feelings there
I've stocked my heart
with icy frigid air
For I need to care for no one
and so I'm through with love

Why did you lead me
to think you could care
You didn't need me
You had your share
of slaves around you
to hound you and swear
their deep devotion, emotion to you

Goodbye to spring
and all it meant to me
It will never bring
the things that used to be
For I must have you or no one
That's why I'm through with love
That's why I'm through with love

Christina came up to see me last night. We got dinner with my dad and I shared a part of my life with her that aside from a few people, has remained relatively unexposed to the friends who I've welcomed into the rest of my life. Back in high school I had katie and katherine up for a sleep over, and I had spent a couple evenings with a boy I dated from Manhattan. Rutherford has been a quiet place in my life where I felt somewhat sheltered from the world. Rutherford was a place I didn't feel the need to wear makeup, I never worried about seeing people I knew (yes worried) in the bagel shop. Instead I made a life for myself up there, where I could just relax and be the "daughter", "neice" and the "sister" parts of me.

yay joe is an uncle. welcome to the world little Ava.

I'm feeling kinda bloated. The breakfast I had this morning is making terrorist threats and I feel like I drank the contents of my grandmother's pool. Tomorrow morning I'm heading down to somerset to see joe one more time and to have dinner with mom and josh.

I'm really upset about maggie. It'll be a week tomorrow since she has been pissed with me. And right now I'm angry. I'm insulted that she would think that I ditched her for a boy. I've never ditched her for a boy, and I come all the way down to see her and she treats me like this. Someone asked me how long I would wait for her, I just don't know the answer to that.

Honestly once someone is my friend, they always have the ability to win me back, the door never completely closes and disappears. I'm not sure how much of a strength that is and how much of a weakness it is, but I suppose that will depend on the color of the leaves.

Joe and I came to a bit of an understanding. He has said he doesn't plan on disappearing from my life if I don't want him to. So thats good. Sean said he didn't think he could trust me in a relationship, which is the candid vote of confidance sean's friendship offers.

Adam's girlfriend is visiting him this weekend. She surprised him. He sent me a text letting me know that he hadnt responded to my text because he'd been busy and that he'd talk to me soon. I told him "wow, sounds nice. have a good time fella". And he responded to say that he missed my words and then promised he wouldnt be a stranger.

The nice thing about all this is that it's completely gotten me over jeremy. He imed me the other day and told me all sorts of nice things about how I remind him of a fictional character whom "the author must really love the woman she is based on, very much". Apparently she is the classiest woman in the room, most intelligent and charming and the conscience of the detective with whom she is having a long-term relationship. All very nice things to hear from one of those 'boys who got away'. But whatever.

I mean to care for no one
and so I'm through with Love.