Friday, October 8, 2010

I don't envy the children

Do Not Envy The Children

I do not envy the children.
As a child we want the world to be simple, and as adults when we think
of childhood, we think of simpler times, free from worry and fear and
the problems that come with broken hearts, debt collectors and late night regrets.
But the simplicity of childhood does not deserve such sentimentality.
As a child I wished for a simple family, free of complications or disfunction.
As a child complication was embarrassing, disfunction was frustrating and my teddy bear
told me that if I were luckier, the world would offer me a black and white family.
When you were a child, your mother stayed home and your father had a good job,
and clothes that could not get grubby, but were washed so they would never lose their
crispness. There were two sets of grandparents, none of your cousins had children out of
wedlock. wedlock. A scary sounding word that children know and find comfort in. Stability in wedlock.

Now that I am not a child, I see the world differently. I have had my heart broken, and I have
accepted debt onto my shoulders. I have late night thoughts of what to do, what should have been done, and I have known loss. My family is not black and white. My family is rich with color. And through the richness of my family, I have been exposed to the great miracle that is human kindness. The beauty and magic that permeates a family tree when a baby is born, to anyone remotely within the reach of a single branch. Sisters sharing babies with sisters, daughters sharing children with their parents, remote family taking babies in, raising them and loving them without regard to blood. Marriage, and divorce and death and new life. Family is not supposed to be rigid with thick lines separating people. Family puts a hand in the small of your back and tells you that despite the pain and the problems that life has in store, there is someone out there who will call you family. Even if there is less than a drop of blood in common. I love my family and I am proud of them all. I appreciate the lessons they teach me and I hope to live up to their example.

But I don't envy the children.

Friday, November 7, 2008

So I'm sitting here. Yes that seems like a good way to get you to where I am. If nothing I say reaches you and drags you closer to me, at least you've got some idea where its all coming from.

I finished this week in law school... and it was brutal. I managed to beat myself up physically between the ache in my back and the blisters on my feet. And of course, the workload has become something out of my worst nightmares about being a waitress without a piece of paper. (I've never been a waitress, so I can hardly imagine suddenly being one and not having any paper) Its not all an ulcer waiting to happen. I have made some friends, Ani, Marly, Philippa and Mark. Yes mark. I know, everyone else's name is so fun. Poor mark.

Ani is from long island, Marly from miami (though haiti originally) philippa from canada and mark from san diego.

My problem is twofold. I am very smart, and I work hard, so I have been doing well in class. I've done so well that my classmates respect me and assume that I've been successful in my graded assignments too. But that's just it. I've done alright, but not great. So I get the impression that some people don't like me because they think I'm outscoring them, when in reality I'm not really. My dad would say something like; 'you're not there to make friends'. And he'd be right. But this is too hard to go it all alone. I'm not looking for a drinking buddy, I just with I at least got the grades that some of these people assume I'm getting and hate me for it.

Enough of that now. This is all coming from the fact that I didn't do so hot on the paper I got back today. And tonight is Irene's party here, and my room is a mess, I still have to go food shopping, and get ready. And tomorrow is xtina's party in Conn. In reality, I'd like to hide out this weekend and do nothing. But I can't.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

So with very little to nothing to do all day long, I collect my money. I read the news thats published on my fathers blogsite, I scour the electronic pages of the new yorker magazine for interesting articles and end up binging on an unexpected smorgasbord of David Sedaris writings. He makes me laugh out loud but the articles, like most good things in life, are short and the endings find me cringing trying to make the most of the last easy moments of contentment before its back into the murky waters that happen to be my internet experience, and another attempt at finding something worthwhile to do.

When you can't physically do anything, you know that work- especially this conception of work, is evil and unhealthy. With no solace for the body in any sort of movement, nor any incentive for the mind to do its own share of stretches and standing double tucks- my whole being finds itself pissy with the world. The few breaks from my relative silence come when the phone rings, and someone briefly enters my world but only as a passerby. Somebody with something to say to someone... someone ELSE.

Just one of these days it'd be nice to get a phone call from someone interesting, and someone interested in telling me something worth hearing. But that won't happen today. Not in the summertime when the sun is shining and the heat is making everyone stock up on ice pops and tear through them as fast as their carefully and painstakingly counted and saved PTO.

PTO three little letters that mean the same thing whether you're hacking up a lung and suffering from frightening incontinence or rolling your oldest pairs of underwear into a ball and stuffing them in a uniformly designed suitcase next to a deliberately stored away container of larger-than-carry-on sized liquid soap.

Friday, June 6, 2008

My Two Cents on Barack and Hillary

So Barack Obama is the democratic nominee for president.

There has been much discussion about his experience, his readiness, and his personal attachments that may influence voters to run the other way. When people discuss the challenges he faced/faces in his pursuit, they no doubt consider the negative campaigning of opponent Hillary Clinton, that manipulated the situation of confusion that surrounded issues of the race, nationalism, and religion of Barack Obama.

It is not without logic that her campaign wernt this way. How do you distinguish yourself from someone whose politics are largely similar to your own. You have to make a big difference out of your personal lives. One candidate is a former first lady with international connections and a sense of familiarization with world leaders and policy. The other is a relatively unknown story, and where something is unknown it is potentially worrysome and frightening.

Everyone knows that when you are a candidate, you travel the country campaigning for votes in order to establish (if only the appearance/feel) of a personal relationship with the country and its people. You want to give the impression at the very least that you are someone they can trust because they've seen you, gotten used to your face, and have learned your reactions well enough to put faith in your judgement. There is a saying that goes something like "You learn a lot about a man by his handshake". This is the reason that politicians kiss babies, take pictures, listen to stories, and shake as many hands as possible. Hillary Clinton both benefitted and suffered from her long standing relationship with the country. So it was in her best interest to influence the developing relationship that Barack Obama had with the American people. To intentionally muddy the waters surrounding the issue of his religious belief, was not a mistake but a carefully chosen campaigning strategy.

What is his religion, where does his name come from, who are his parents, what does his wife look like, who are his sources of guidance, how black is he? These are some of the questions bopping around people's heads as they look at the candidates whether consciously or sub. In addition to these questions are the questions you would expect a candidate to offer up answers to, but the relationship is built on a clear and growing understanding of WHO a candidate is on the inside.

When your politicial similarities are great, sometimes the vote goes to the candidate that just goes down smoother. In order to make hers the stronger relationship Hillary did some heavy campaigning which amounted to some serious lip service in areas where she really had nothing in common with the 'common people'- such as PA. But to her credit she pushed hard to circulate the country and amass a group of followers to rival Obama's. Her failure to win the delegates does not reflect a failure to create a relationship with her supporters throughout the country but instead an inadequacy compared to the efforts and successes of the Obama campaign.

Hillary has not lost all my respect, as you might be able to tell. I truly believe her to be a strong politician with her heart in the right place. I don't like the way she plays ball, but I agree that when you want something you should give it all you've got, but she could have made more conservative moves along the way that didn't cost her so much at no one elses expense. Although I don't think she should be on the ticket, I think that she should continue to play a large role in the politics of the nation, and that it is in both the best interest of the country and the democratic party for the obama administration to see to it that they place her well.

All of that energy having been expended on Hillary, I am excited about presidential hopeful Obama. His intellectualism and conviction are powerful and inspire me to look for great strides to be made. Also his community organizing techniques enable him to demand change from a nation that is unhappy with where its at, but perhaps wouldn't come to the conclusion that it is also part their responsibility to bring about the change they want to see in the world.

Ghandi might have intersting comments on the matter.

And if Hillary is smart, she'll get on this wave before it leaves her behind.
I haven't written in a while.

The reason for this has been that I started a new job, which required me to wake up early and therefore- go to bed by 11. Now that my nights are cut in half, and with my recent interest in spending time at the gym, after eating dinner there is rarely time to do more than sit on the couch and watch an hour and a half of MSNBC with my dad before I hit the sack and start all over.

I'm not really complaining. In fact, I like the way my weeks have been shaping up. Aside from the fact that my girlfriend lives in new brunswick and if we want to get together during the week I have to suffer sleep deprivation at work the next day- I couldn't really plan the week any better. I hang out with Christina or Irene (or both) on the weekends, and get to see my mom and brothers and new puppy as well. Everyone is happy.

However this means that as far as reading and writing go-- its pretty much been resigned to working on Law School deadlines and not much else. To be honest, it is only occassionally that I feel like I am missing something. Though to be sure, I find my job really incredibly boring.

I work at an environmental engineering firm not too far from where I live, and its been an interesting experience so far. Despite the fact that I am the bottom of the barrel, I am in a unique position since I am the only person in the office (outside of the IT dept) who knows everyone/works with everyone in the office, both sides, federal and municipal.

As a result, I get along best with the other Admins and of course, the IT dept. There are many things I like about this job. I like the fact that everyone in the office knows who I am, and how that opens up every person on the floor to a possible relationship. There are that many opportunities to know someone and have a relationship, granted professional, with people in all different points in their life. I think this makes people uncomfortable sometimes.

So today I'm stuck up at reception because Kia is out sick. I have H.G. Wells War of the Worlds but I feel like writing. The plan for this weekend is to go see christina and sit poolside with a margarita in hand, and try not to burn too badly.

In other news, my arms are stronger from working out, and my leg muscles are intense- but I still have a long way to go to get my heart rate down when I'm working out. I'm not in terrible shape, but I am not used to excersize so I have a long way to go. Right now I'm at 127 pounds and where I'd like to be is at 115. Thats not bad, it's only 10 pounds but the trick is that I want to be a defined 115. And since muscle weighs more than fat that means I'll have to trim down a lot in order to be the 115 distribution I want.

I'm doing what I can so far- reducing my carbs to the bare minimum my will power will allow and going to the gym. I dont eat pasta anymore or potatos, and try my best not to eat bread. the hardest part really is the sugar. Alcohol has lots of sugar in it, so that makes it difficult, and I've decided I'm not giving up alcohol. haha. Chocolate cake- yes, alcohol- no.

Though the other day at the gym I was running on the treadmill when someone brought a pizza in to the fitness center- all I could think of was how disgusting it smelled. I think it was because I associated it with time on the treadmill. haha Pavlov would be sweating.

Also I'm thinking that I should find my pilates dvd and start it up again while I'm home on the weekends if I can find time.

This post has been entirely about working out and working in and its ridiculous but oh well. I'll post something more interesting in a minute... well maybe more interesting.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Thoughts From a Red Room

The One Who Loves You The Most

When the sky is falling from above you
And the wind is raging from the coast
And you want someone who truly loves you
I will be the one who loves you the most

When the masquerades in burlesque balls
Become too ordinary to boast
You complain about the parades and curtain calls
I will be the one who loves you the most
I will be the one who loves you the most

When the women with their stolen graces
Dont invite you to play host
To their daughters with fake faces
I will be the one who loves you the most

When all the debutants desert you
All the doorways are all closed
And all the harlequins have hurt you
I will be the one who loves you the most
I will be the one who loves you the most

When your suitors sneer and swank beside you
And leave you hollow like a ghost
And you just want somebody to confide to
I will be the one who loves you the most
I will be the one who loves you the most

See when you forgive your imperfections
And you've auctioned all your clothes
And you look to see your true reflection
You will be the one who loves you the most
You will be the one who loves you the most
You will be the one who loves you the most

-brett dennen

Today I made a lot of progress in the book I'm reading on the journey from the christian tradition to a feminine spirituality. I finished the first section of the book, on the awakening. I'm not sure if I should pause here for a little bit, and allow the parts that have struck me to resonate. Am I ready for the next step? When I could read about the awakening step for the rest of the length of the book and still be open for more?

I called joe and we had a fight. We havent had a fight like this in months. I realized that we were fighting because I was angry and he got defensive and it was to be expected, but since we're not in a relationship I really shouldnt be bothering him with this. Our relationship has enough traps and false steps, it doesnt need this bag of worms. Which basically leads me to think that he just isn't the right guy for me, not for the me I want to be. I can't be with someone who claims that as a scientist he just doesnt see the proof that patriarchy exists and has the effects that I claim and yet do not substantiate. How do you prove to a fish that he is wet? I explain that its a process that over time ingrains in us a frame of perception that makes it difficult to see any other way. I am still too angry about this to really make an argument. Though I was impressed with myself this afternoon. At least until all of a sudden he shouted "Lies! Thats just a fucking lie, you are so ridiculous, you don't know anything..." that was when I said I had to go and we both hung up.

I am the unambiguous woman, who does everything for everyone else, apologizes when someone else slams into her... etc. I am just waking up, and as a result I snap angrily at odd moments. It is not the scenario at hand so much as the larger world of stimuli that evoke my untempered wrath.

but now its time to sleep and dream about that cute waiter that I'm gonna leave my number for next time we go to chicago uno for dinner. I'm doing it!

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Waking Up Alone

Do what you gotta do

Do what you gotta do
Come on back to see me when you can
Man I can understand how it might be
Kinda hard to love a girl like me
I dont blame you much for wanting to be free
I just wanted you to know
I've loved you better than your own kin did
From the very start its my own fault
What happens to my heart
You see I've always known you'd go

So you just do what you gotta do
My wild sweet love
Though it may mean that i'll never kiss
Those sweet lips again
Pay that no mind
Find that dappled dream of yours
Come on back and see me when you can

Now I know they make you feel sad
And make you feel so bad
They say you dont treat me like you should
They got ways to make you feel no good
I guess they got no way to know
I've had my eyes way open from the start
And man you never lied to me
The part of you that they'll never see
Is the part you've shown to me

So you just do what you gotta do
My wild sweet love
Oh it may mean that I never kiss
Those sweet lips again
Pay that no mind
Find that dappled dream of yours
Come on back to see me when you can

--nina simone

So I was inspired last night by a book that I'm now reading. It's a book about waking up as a woman to the patriarchal society we live in, and the feminine wound that lives within us. She writes from a christian background, and talks about how the exclusion of women and the subjugation of women in the church teaches girls early on where their place is, and that they were put in that place by their father, their god.

It makes me angry to read this book. I feel the anger of having been an unconscious unambiguous woman. I am angry because for 12 years of my catholic education I got straight A's. I learned my lessons and gave the right, insightful answers. And all the while I thought I was being more than a good girl. I was the first girl to serve mass as an altar server, I was the first girl to be a "flag boy" responsible for the flying of the flag and the folding of it.

But all the while, when I thought I was making changes, I wasn't even scratching the surface of the social norm.

Reading this book has brought daydreams to my mind in which I walk to the altar to lecter a reading, and instead of reading the prescribed reading, I read one I've chosen. One in which the second class citizenry of woman is anything but subtle, and from which the congregation would have to face their own book and say "No, this is not what I believe." I also imagined myself arriving on sunday morning while people were filing into church, and taking a hammer and nail to the door of the church and posting a sign that read "The closed door of the priesthood closes this door to me". So many times since starting this book have I thought to myself, how do I respond? Do I take this one day at a time and just work on me, or am I responsible for greater social change?

I havent figured it out that far yet. I'm still at the very motivating and yet frustrating Anger stage. I have a feeling I'll be there a while.